My every decision was based off of whether I was having a good body image day or a bad one. Unfortunately, 99% of them were bad ones. Image: Kyle Broad/Unsplash.
Content notice: disordered eating, internalized fatphobia.
I used to be entirely fixated on what other people thought about my weight, appearance, and level of fitness.
“What is this food going to do to my figure?”
“How do I look in these pants?”
“Should I work out today?”
“Should I go for a run or do CrossFit or maybe some yoga?”
“Green smoothie or green juice? Which is better?”
“What would my trainer think about me eating this?”
I would wonder if others saw me as “super healthy” or as a “fit chick” — or if they had those thoughts at all.
I was constantly consumed with every minute detail of my lifestyle, wondering if it was going to take me closer or further away from my ideal body.
I once went five months avoiding fruit because of its sugar content. Another time I went six months without eating salads because even those had too many ingredients and, as the magazines told me, “secret” fattening calories.
I would take on the responsibility to plan dinners out with my family a month in advance so that I knew the menu backwards and forwards, prepared to make all my substitutions.
My every decision was based off of whether I was having a good body image day or a bad one. Unfortunately, 99% of them were bad ones.
I lived like this for years, until I began my body-positivity journey. I started to surround myself with inspiring individuals of many different shapes and sizes, all of whom exuded more confidence than I ever did at my lowest weight.
Throughout this learning period, I developed an approach to my own body that has helped me more than anything throughout the years.
Instead of thinking of my body as a possession, I treat my body as a temporary gift.
Here's how I see it: We are all given squishy, well-padded vehicles at birth, that grow with strength as we age and are miraculously self-regulated.
Our bodies can normalize temperature, absorb nutrition, eliminate toxins, move around, rest, recover, and so much more. We have magical, beautiful, wonderfully-made mediums; they don’t need us to think so hard about how to make them “better.”
But the thing is, most of us are not obsessing over how to make them perform better: for many of us, it’s more about how to make them look better.
We find ourselves running in circles, over-analyzing a bite of cake or a sip of wine. We compensate for calories using exercise. We stand on scales. We avoid mirrors. We take 15 pictures until we find the “right” one.
And all for what?
Think of it this way: If you had a friend that was renovating their garage and wanted to store their car in your second garage for a weekend, would you spend all of your Saturday working on improving that car?
Would you give it a fresh coat of paint, and hire a mechanic to work on the loud engine? Would you pay thousands of dollars out-of-pocket to fix a few dents in the bumper? Would you install a new stereo system? Would you step back and look at your final product, and say to yourself, “Yeah, it’s alright, but it’s not done yet.”
Most likely not.
Just like a friend’s car, or a cherished library book, take care of your body while you have it and look out for its best interest. That is enough.
You would probably let the car sit in the garage, safe and sound, until your friend came to pick it up. What’s the point in obsessing over something that doesn’t really belong to you, with a fate that is out of your control?
Or, to put it another way: My guess is that you don’t obsess over most other people's bodies.
Let’s say you have a husband whom you love. Do you spend a lot of time stressing about him getting leaner, or tanner, or taller?
Do you pray at night that he never gains weight? Do you obsessively watch what he eats, and do mental math to find out how much time he needs to spend on the treadmill in order to compensate?
Again, I’m going to guess this is a decisive no. You don’t obsess about other peoples’ bodies because what happens to their figure is out of your control.
You might think that since you can control your own weight, you should.
I feel this line of thinking is misguided for two reasons.
Firstly, because most of us have less control over the appearance of our bodies than we convince ourselves we ought to. And secondly, just because you can do something does not mean it’s beneficial.
Imagine that your body is as out of your control as your partner or friend’s body. Don’t think about it as “giving up control,” but as finally realizing you never really had any.
Your body is a beautiful gift for your time here on earth. I believe that while you have it, you should treat it well by honoring it and listening to it; but I am fully against fixating or obsessing over it.
Just like a friend’s car, or a cherished library book, take care of your body while you have it and look out for its best interest. That is enough.
Instead of fixating on its appearance, use it!
When you spend less time trying to change your perfectly imperfect body, you have more time to enjoy it by seeing the world, being with friends, doing what you love, and cherishing what you have.
There’s a huge world out there, and your body is the best tool to experience it all.
